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Dear Uni,
Let me tell you about being plugged into the abyss of confusion, walking around with scattered thoughts and a messy head.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Finding answers to simple questions is getting harder and harder. In my mind, there has always been a conflict, two voices parallel-walking, never intersecting and always disagreeing.
Q- "Want to hang out under our usual tree?" Said one of my friends enthusiastically.
A- Yes, yet I don't want to. Wait, I don’t want to blend in with my lifetime friends? A question within the answer. Oh how my mind is messy.
"Sure”. I replied.
I hushed my inner voice and joined my -favorite- friends.
I sat down with my sweaty hands and loud heart beats...it was never like that.
"Leave". The voices appeared once again.
“I hate you!” I shouted, but no one seemed to hear.
Q- “Do you remember when we jumped from the rooftop?”
A- A vivid memory, one that used to be my favourite, yet I dont feel the warmth of it anymore.
"Ah yes, that was a good one!" I faked my smile.
I was thankful that no one realized how silent I am when suddenly one of them punched me and hollered with one of our inside jokes. You see, it used to be... intimate.
They burst out laughing and i joined them.
“Why are you sitting down with them?” my inner voice interrupted my laughter.
“I love them.”
"No you don’t."
The gloom in my mind is eating me up.
A friend of ours distracted me from thinking. He seemed confused too, trying to engage in every conversation, yet chewing with nothing in his mouth.
“Leave them and walk away, you don’t belong". My inner voice almost begged me.
I did belong, yet somehow I changed, and I know change knocks the door when you least expect it but I don’t know what i should do!
What’s wrong with me? I’m a collection of paradoxes and conflicts, always confused, always lost.
And with all that has happened I clung onto the idea of who I am to people not who I am to myself, just to have a delusional but concrete definition of my whole existence.
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